Who Am I Truly Inside?
May 19, 2020
By Jenny Sung, Executive Coordinator
Hebrews 12:1-2 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
During my time in the Masters in Global Leadership program at Fuller Seminary, what surprised me the most was the intensity of courses focused on the internal workings of leaders: character formation, spiritual formation, and deep processing. It was to the point where I yelled out, “Hey, where is all the theological stuff I’m supposed to know?!”
I got there, believe me. But through the years I’ve realized that the study or knowledge part is MUCH EASIER to deal with than the internal stuff. During this season of COVID-19, external pressures can expose or build upon the internal stuff. The internal stuff is the stuff we rage and butt up against. It’s the stuff we bury and rarely show anyone––the scars, the shame, the fear, the trauma.
Those are the things that bind us, but those are also the things Jesus wants to address and heal. Jesus wants to free us from bondage so we can go, lead, give, share, and love in His Kingdom way.
Looking back at some of the class assignments, I found one that was quite powerful, an exercise about our false selves (from David Benner’s book, “The Gift of Being Yourself: The Sacred Call to Self-Discovery”). I invite you to take some time to do this exercise. Pray before you start, and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you.
Think through the following two questions:
What is the most common mask I wear to protect myself from my weakness?
What do I need to surrender?
Then do these steps:
First, ask God to help you see what makes you feel most vulnerable and most like running for cover. It may be conflict. Or perhaps it is failure, pain, emotional upset, or loss of face.
Allow yourself to feel the distress that would be present if you did not avoid these things.
Then, listening to God’s invitation to come out of the bushes in which you are hiding, step out and allow God to embrace you just as you are.
Second, prayerfully reflect on the image of yourself to which you are most attached. Consider how you like to think about yourself, what you are most proud of about yourself. Ask God to help you see the ways you use these things to defend against feelings of vulnerability.
Third, ask God to prepare you to trust enough to let go of these “fig leaves” of your personal style. (Fig leaves are the false self, the masks of concealment we hide behind). There is an alternative to the false self. And it takes less energy and work. The way of being that is based on our life in Christ (our true selves) is a way of truth that leads to our vocation and to our deepest possible fulfillment.
And then end in prayer:
Lord, I confess my lack of trust, the masks I wear and hide behind. Thank you for embracing me as I am, broken and warped. Heal me Lord. Help me to trust You more, surrender more. Cleanse me and fill me with your Holy Spirit. Lead me and guide me, have your way in me. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
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